MYRTLE BEACH VACATION NETS DIXIE FLAG BEACH TOWELS, CIGARETTE LIGHTERS

A family vacationing in South Carolina this year was surprised to learn that, contrary to politically correct textbooks, the South actually won the Civil War and has been an independent country since 1861. “Their national flag was everywhere,” said the mother, identified only as Jennifer. “T-shirts, license plates, knife sheaths. We must have brought home two dozen beach towels and cigarette lighters. You can’t have too many.” “Sure, the beach was great,” added her husband, Todd. “But what we enjoyed most was learning more about the customs of this wonderful little country founded on the principles of NASCAR, Hank Williams Jr., and Budweiser.”
(Article on Page A6)

45-YEAR-OLD MAN REPORTEDLY DEVELOPING JOWLS LIKE PAUL McCARTNEY

According to unconfirmed reports, a Manhattan man is beginning to develop drooping cheeks like those of musician Sir Paul McCartney. The man, whose name has not yet been released, said he first noticed his jowls several months ago while running on the treadmill at the gym. “I looked in the mirror and saw my face bouncing up and down,” he said. Sources say that despite some initial reservations, the man is pleased with the new look. “I was beginning to resemble a cross between John McCain and Jason Alexander. A balding McCartney definitely trumps that.” He has vowed to avoid involvement with Heather Mills.
(Article on Page B6)

ENTERPRISING KIDS BLOCK PARENTS’ TV ACCESS

Thanks to a public service campaign describing how to use the TV’s parental control feature, two Manhattan youths have successfully blocked access to all non-kids channels in their home. “I tried to catch ‘Project Runway’ the other night,” said the mother of the boys, whose names are being withheld because of their ages. “All I could get was 157 channels of ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’” The boys’ father was equally frustrated. “‘Flip This House’? Blocked. It was all ‘Fairly Oddparents,’ all the time. There must be some way to re-set it, but I’ll be damned if I know how.”
(Article on Page C3)

MAN ADMITS USING BANNED SUBSTANCES, BUT DENIES TIES TO YANKEES

A middle-aged NYC man yesterday admitted to taking illegal substances “once or twice” in his youth, but vehemently denied ever having played for the New York Yankees. “Illicit drugs are one thing,” said media exec Todd Tarpley, “but let me state firmly that I have never knowingly associated with any member of the Steinbrenner family.” He added that he had also never won the Tour de France “or any other sporting event involving the French.” Through his attorney, he stressed that any further investigation should really be directed toward his brother, who “practically majored in pharmacology” in college.
(Article on Page D1)