MAN ADMITS USING BANNED SUBSTANCES, BUT DENIES TIES TO YANKEES

A middle-aged NYC man yesterday admitted to taking illegal substances “once or twice” in his youth, but vehemently denied ever having played for the New York Yankees. “Illicit drugs are one thing,” said media exec Todd Tarpley, “but let me state firmly that I have never knowingly associated with any member of the Steinbrenner family.” He added that he had also never won the Tour de France “or any other sporting event involving the French.” Through his attorney, he stressed that any further investigation should really be directed toward his brother, who “practically majored in pharmacology” in college.
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